New Semester, New Me?

This is the second to last semester of my undergraduate career and now it's hitting me that I'm going to be entering the real world soon.  What the hell am I going to do?  Where am I going to work?  Can I end up affording an apartment with my boyfriend?  So many questions and there is no one to give me the answer.

I got my hair cut short, got some new clothes, started a new semester, love my schedule and my classes, but why can't I love myself?  Binge and starve, binge and starve, it's all I know how to do, the only way I know how to love myself, even though deep down I know that I am only harming myself.

I am reading a really interesting book called "Wasted" written by Marya (two separate syllables Mar-ya) Hornbaucher, and it's a memoir on her life and struggles with anorexia and bulimia.  It gives me hope that one day I too can overcome without relapsing so much.  On the other hand, in the back of my mind it is giving me ideas.  I'm struggling with figuring out if i should stop reading it or see it to the end.  Maybe reading about how sick she was and her hospitalizations will help.

Now comes the hardest thing of all: finding a summer job that relates to my field without falling back on my EDs.

1.26.2009

new year's resolution

So while everyone on the planet is making the New Year's Resolution to lose weight, I'm kind of being backwards.  My resolution for this year: to overcome my eating disorders.  I've never actually tried to do it before, as in really tried, but I think that with the right help and support, I can do it this year.  I am determined to eat better (breakfast, lunch, and dinner) and to exercise more.  My dad said that he's going to come up with a good kettle bell routine for me, and since I own my own kettle bell, I can bring it to school with me when I go back in two weeks.  I really hope that this year is better for me than last year was.  I am determined to love myself for who I am, to stay positive, and to seriously apply myself in school instead of half-assing it and only going to the classes when I feel like it.  I want to get my GPA up, have fun in class, and see that I really am an amazing person.

1.01.2009

Finals Week Begins

 Disclaimer: This is a blog about my inner thoughts so that I don't keep them bottled up inside of my head, so please no negative comments on my blog, otherwise it starts to fuck with a girl's psyche.

So it's finals here at my good old college, and it cannot come any sooner.  Tomorrow is my first final, Psychology of Scientific Thinking, and I need at least an 85 in order to not have to take it again next semester... no pressure.  Mostly, I'm scared of going home and not having the support I need.

I forgot to introduce myself: I am an average 21 year old girl, and I happen to suffer from body dysmorphic disorder.  Daily life is a constant struggle, complete with mind-reading what people think of me and beating myself up about how I think of me.  Before you start to judge and presume that I am probably tall and skinny, I will be the first one to admit and I am on the short side (5'3'') and of an average build, but not an average weight- I am technically overweight, enough to have my doctors yell at me during monthly visits, but my body distributes the weight in such a way that I look average. 

Here at my school, I happen to have an amazing support group of girls like me, who struggle from day to day, and they are the reason that I make it from day to day without completely killing myself emotionally.  With them, I have people that I can relate to, confide in, and lean on, but once I go home, I don't have the luxury of seeing them at least once a week.  Yes, I do text them once in a while, but it isn't the same as, say, sitting in the same room and knowing for a fact that you aren't alone in the world.  Once I step into the reality of the outside world, though, that all goes away, especially because the girl that I am closest to, my sister at heart, is graduating and I won't have her to lean on anymore.  Yes, it is time for me to start relying on myself, but when you can't tryst yourself to be honest, isn't trusting those you love the next best thing?

12.16.2008